December 11, 2008

Fantasy Weathermen

In recent years, fantasy sports seems to have taken over the internet landscape. This trend has caused the average to sports fan to have favorite players rather than a favorite team. Ask someone who they want to win this next Sunday and his/her (mostly his) answer will be something such as, "I don't really care who wins, I just want Tony Romo, DeAngelo Williams, and the Steelers' defense to play well." This is lame. Haven't you heard that there is no "I" in team? I'm not sure how that relates, but it's a good principle to remember.

This latest trend kind of steals from the world of fantasy sports, however the final results can only be left up to mother nature rather than by screwing over your friends with unfair trades or stealing the commissioners password so you can change your lineup after the games have been played.

I hereby propose that each and every one of set up your own fantasy weather predicting league. The number of teams in your league is dependent on the number of local weather stations where you live. Here is how it works:

- Conduct a draft where each competitor picks one weatherman from the 5:00 news. 
- Watch each Sunday night as your weatherman smugly tells you the five day forecast.
- Record the following predictions for each of the five days: 
1) Daily high temperature
2) Daily low temperature
3) Predictions of rain, thunderstorms, overcast skies, etc.
- Make note what actually occurs during the week ( statistics can be used as the standard) 

Scoring will be administered using the following scoring scale: 
- 3 points will be awarded to a successful prediction of rain, thunderstorms, partly cloudy, etc.
- 5 points will be awarded for each EXACT high/low temperature prediction
- 3 points will be awarded for each high/low temperature prediction that is within 1 degree of the predicted temperature
- 1 point will be awarded for each high/low temperature prediction that is within 2 degrees of the prediction temperature
(There is a 1.5 multiplyer for correct Friday predictions due to added difficulty of predicting 5 days in advance)
- Monday's barometric pressure predictions will be used as a tiebreaker

Sign that this trend has caught on: Fantasy weather leagues with your works friends
Has this trend caught on yet? No

October 29, 2008

Rock You Like A Hurricane

Hurricanes are already destructive enough. There is no reason for us to make them even MORE destructive by giving already established human names to the storms. The hurricanes are not only causing physical damage, but also damage to those names. (NO JOKE SECTION) Hurricane Katrina was terrible. Nobody will ever name their kid Katrina again. The name has been tainted forever.

Who's idea was it to name the hurricanes with already established human names, anyway? If a hurricane named "Johnny" ever wreaks havoc upon the coastline, I can't help but feel partially responsible. So here is my proposal for the latest trend: Start naming hurricanes for things that are already terrible. This way, no new names are ruined. For example, when Hurricane Syphilis wipes out an island in the Caribbean, no harm has been done to "syphilis." It already is a word that has a bad reputation.

Also, the more menacing name could potentially cause people to be more prepared, and in the end save lives. Which of the following strikes more fear into your heart: Hurricane Ricky or Hurricane Homocide?

So I urge you, trendsetters, write to the National Weather Service and urge them to stop ruining perfectly good names. After all, it could be Hurricane (insert your name here) that comes through next. You don't want everybody to hate you, right?

Sign that this trend has caught on: Hurricane Starvation
Has this trend caught on yet? No

October 1, 2008

Solution: Sign Language

The newest trend should be that of learning sign language. This is so obvious, that I truly cannot believe that it has not been implemented already. I learned how to spell out my name:  J-O-H-N-N-Y   T-R-E-N-D-S-E-T-T-E-R from the back cover of my 1st grade "Weekly Reader". This has had very limited usefulness. The benefits, and the resultant popularity, of REALLY knowing sign language could potentially be life altering.

Imagine yourself, along with a friend, sitting in the library studying Lewis and Clark. A few feet away is a gentlemen engrossed in a book explaining how to effectively rid a garden of aphids. You want to comment to your friend about how you think that Clark's name should come before Lewis', yet don't want to disturb the gardener down the way. Silence is the unspoken (literally) rule of library etiquette. Solution: Sign Language.

Imagine that you're on a plane with that same friend. You have spotted massive pit stains on the guy sitting a row in front of you. Every time he stands up to get something from the overhead bin they are quite evident and grossly entertaining. You want to notify your friend so that you can continue to monitor their growth throughout the trip, but at the same time you don't want the man to overhear you and hurt his feelings/ruin the fun. Solution: sign language.

Learning sign language could also potentially save your life. Suppose you and your spouse are soundly asleep one night. You are suddenly awoken in the middle of the night by the sound of someone rummaging around your living room. BANDITS! You hear the thieves making their way towards your bedroom, meanwhile filling their sack with loot. You are forced to hide across the room from each other, one behind the dresser, the other behind a nightstand. You can still see each other, but the bandits cannot see you. You need a strategy. You are too apart to whisper, but talking will give away your hiding spots. Solution: Sign Language. You can now silently develop an effective plan (one of you acts as a decoy, while the other sneaks up behind the bandits and subdues them). Your lives were saved because you decided to be trendy and learn sign language.

EDITORS NOTE: Even if being popular isn't on your agenda, please consider adopting this latest trend for safety purposes.

Sign that this trend has caught on: Two semesters of sign language are required for high school graduation
Has this trend caught on yet? No

September 22, 2008

High School Reunions

Class reunions have to go. And when I say "go", I am implying that the words "away forever" should follow. The trend of eliminating class reunions is necessary.

First, lets be honest about what class reunions are really about: seeing which of your former classmates have taken a turn for the worse. After seeing their current state of being, you can't help but feel better about yourself, right?

All you really want to know is:
1) Who has gained the most weight?
2) Who has lost the most hair?
3) Who still has the same job they had in high school?

But here is the question - Is taking delight in someone else's demise something to be proud of? Johnny Trendsetter is not just about making you popular, but also about molding you into the person that you want to be. If you're one of those people who would be embarrassed about your current life status, take your non-reunion as an opportunity to get things back on track. If you're one of those people who wants to go just to brag and let everyone know how great you are, take this opportunity to get a more appropriate attitude.

Luckily, it is never too late for class reunion prevention. For those of you still in high school, tradition holds that the senior class president and/or class officers are the ones to organize the reunion years down the road. I want for YOU, high school juniors, to start your campaign TODAY for class president. By winning the election, the opportunity to do everyone a favor and NOT have a class reunion rests in your hands. You can even go so far as to make it part of your platform. I believe it will work out well for you.

SIGN THAT THIS TREND HAS CAUGHT ON: The lack of a sense of dread as the ten year anniversary of your high school graduation approaches.

September 12, 2008

The Dejection Mark

I dare say it has been more than 300 years since new punctuation has been integrated into the English language. We currently have the question mark to convey the interrogatory and an exclamation point to convey excitement, but what about when we want to convey a voice utterly distraught with sadness? Nothing.

Today I propose a new symbol be incorporated into our written (mostly typed) language - the "^" sign, or as it shall now be called: the dejection mark. So if you want to be trendy, all you have to do is hit "SHIFT 6" after typing an especially disheartening sentence. This can also be used in written word (sorry, but there is no cursive version of the dejection mark).

There are several reasons why I nominate this symbol be the one:
1) Clearly we need something that is already on the standard American keyboard
2) It looks like an intense frown
3) What else is it being used for?
Take a look at the following sentence with our current 'Standard English' form of punctuation:
This litter of newborn kittens is dead.
I'm not entirely convinced that the speaker even has a heart, to be typing something so horrific yet with absolutely no trace of emotion. I will now try it with the "frown" punctuation:
This litter of newborn kittens is dead^
Much more appropriate.

SIGN THAT THIS TREND HAS CAUGHT ON: Junior high English teachers count OFF points when a dejection mark is not utilized.

September 7, 2008

Referee Support

Contemptuous referee heckling is getting old. Phrases like "Hey ref, you need glasses!" and "You suck, ref!" are worn out. This is on-the-job heckling and it is lame. Has one of your emails ever elicited a chorus of boos from the accounts receivable department? Has the whole third floor ever given you the bird because they thought you could have done a better job closing a sale? I doubt it (but if so, you probably deserved it).

The newest trend I would like to introduce is CHEERING for sporting officials. Try yelling things like "That's a fair call!", and "Cheaters never win, number thirty two!" I want the trend of sincerely encouraging sporting officials to take root.

By participating in the trend of cheering for the referee:
1) No game ends with your favorite team having suffered a defeat
2) You encourage someone who feels abused
3) You are publicly supporting rule-abiding

People will undoubtably ask why you have chosen to cheer for the men in stripes. Here is your answer - "I don't care who wins, I just want to see everyone play by the rules." Please use sound judgment when determining whether a call deserves a cheer or not. This gives the impression to everyone else that you truly know a lot about sports officiating. But when you DO choose to applaud the refs, make sure that you mean it. These officials are professionals and are trained to recognize fakery.

After a while, you will probably have adopted a favorite referee. Perhaps you like how he cracks down on offsides penalties. Maybe you appreciate how crisply he signals a three pointer. Just like you would for your favorite team, consider traveling to different cities just to watch your favorite ref or tuning in when his game is aired on a local television station.

SIGN THAT THIS TREND HAS CAUGHT ON: Replica referee jerseys offered in all major sporting goods stores.

September 3, 2008

Hot Water

It is time for the debut of the latest trend. This is an easy one and I have good feeling that this one will really take off. Here it is: drinking hot water. Simple. Go to a restaurant and order a steaming mug of hot water. Nothing is as refreshing as a glass of ice water on a hot summer's day. So why the snub of hot water on a cold winter's morn?

But let's take it a step further. I dare you to order regardless of the weather outside. I want for you to order hot water because you LIKE it. You like water, right? There is no escaping the fact 70% of the planet is covered by this beverage, so we might as well take full advantage of it. It is time to revolutionize our water drinking habits.

Here are the benefits of drinking hot water and why this trend should take the world by storm:
1) It is free (don't ever let anyone charge you for your mug of hot water)
2) There is no healthier beverage
3) It is eco-friendly (as long the water comes from the tap rather than a plastic bottle)
4) The heat might kill some bacteria

So I urge you to help get this trend started. Be the first on your block to order a hot water with your next steak dinner. Whenever you have friends over, slip it into the drink options. "Would you like something to drink? We have tea, lemonade, hot water, and Coke." Everyone will admire your brilliance, though they probably won't say this to your face out of jealousy. But you can be sure that the next time they eat with friends, they will most likely order a cup of hot water in order to obtain the same level of admiration that you received when you were first seen consuming hot water. This is how trends begin.

SIGN THIS TREND HAS CAUGHT ON: Hot water is offered on all flights in the United States.

August 31, 2008

Mission Statement

Throughout the course of life, many trends come and go. We regret participating in some, and look back at others with a sense of nostalgia. Through this website, I will strategically construct and submit new trends. The idea is similar to a pyramid scheme. Hopefully when YOU act out the trends found on this site, others will notice. These people will then decide that they too want to be popular, so they'll do the same. Others will notice them and so-on and so-forth. Ideally, teenagers in Japan (who seem the most susceptible to fleeting trends) will then themselves adopt the ideas proposed here. 

Is there a risk? Definitely. Don't you think the first guy who decided to put gel in his hair and "spike" it up looked like an idiot? Of course he did! In fact, he STILL looks like an idiot to this day. But its important to remember that trends aren't about looking cool. Trends are about BEING cool. 

So here are your instructions:
1) Implement the trends found here
2) Act like the new trend is perfectly normal
3) Watch for others to catch on

Each new trend will contain a "sign that this trend has caught on" and also a place where you can check the latest status of the trend and see whether the trend has indeed caught on or yet.  I also urge you to post the results of your implementing the trends in the comments section. It is perfectly acceptable for your stories to be untrue, as long as they are both funny and believable.