February 23, 2009

Not Updating Your Blog

I have been implementing my latest trend for a short while. I must admit that I have pulled this one off flawlessly. I'm not even going to pretend that you don't already know the latest trend because I have confidence that, naturally, you read the title prior to reading the text. So surely you already know that the newest trend is not updating your blog.

Not updating your blog regularly lets your readership know 4 important qualities about you that are vital if you want them to think you are cool:

1) You have better things to do than play on the computer
- Nobody wants to be friends with someone who's entire life is centered around blogs and social networking sites.

2) You don't really care whether others read your blog or not
- This gives the impression that you are only writing for your own entertainment purposes, not for others. (This is obviously illogical, but it still the impression given)

3) Your blog just really isn't that high on your list of priorities (This MUST be true if you want to be popular)
- No explanation necessary

4) You are a selfish jerk
- This is an absolutely critical step towards becoming popular. If people think you are a jerk, then they will try even harder to get you to like them. You'd have to be an idiot to not know this already. (I'm being a jerk here, see? Now you are probably trying to think of a funny comment to post at the end of this blog so I will think that you are cool.)

Has This Trend Caught On? YES

I would like to announce that this may quite possibly be my final blog entry. Why, you ask? Allow me to tell you. As you should probably know by now, my mission was to establish new trends which would gain worldwide acceptance.  I feel as though my mission may have been a success. People are not updating their blogs all of the time. In fact, most of your friends that have blogs are probably not updating them right now! This makes me feel like I have made a difference and improved our civilization, even in minute terms.

Perhaps a worldwide backlash will occur and I will choose to continue. Or perhaps I will turn my attention towards disestablishing several trends that need to go (Such as emo bands with boys that sing with fake british accents and have girl haircuts). Until then, only do things that I would do.

December 11, 2008

Fantasy Weathermen

In recent years, fantasy sports seems to have taken over the internet landscape. This trend has caused the average to sports fan to have favorite players rather than a favorite team. Ask someone who they want to win this next Sunday and his/her (mostly his) answer will be something such as, "I don't really care who wins, I just want Tony Romo, DeAngelo Williams, and the Steelers' defense to play well." This is lame. Haven't you heard that there is no "I" in team? I'm not sure how that relates, but it's a good principle to remember.

This latest trend kind of steals from the world of fantasy sports, however the final results can only be left up to mother nature rather than by screwing over your friends with unfair trades or stealing the commissioners password so you can change your lineup after the games have been played.

I hereby propose that each and every one of set up your own fantasy weather predicting league. The number of teams in your league is dependent on the number of local weather stations where you live. Here is how it works:

- Conduct a draft where each competitor picks one weatherman from the 5:00 news. 
- Watch each Sunday night as your weatherman smugly tells you the five day forecast.
- Record the following predictions for each of the five days: 
1) Daily high temperature
2) Daily low temperature
3) Predictions of rain, thunderstorms, overcast skies, etc.
- Make note what actually occurs during the week (weather.com statistics can be used as the standard) 

Scoring will be administered using the following scoring scale: 
- 3 points will be awarded to a successful prediction of rain, thunderstorms, partly cloudy, etc.
- 5 points will be awarded for each EXACT high/low temperature prediction
- 3 points will be awarded for each high/low temperature prediction that is within 1 degree of the predicted temperature
- 1 point will be awarded for each high/low temperature prediction that is within 2 degrees of the prediction temperature
(There is a 1.5 multiplyer for correct Friday predictions due to added difficulty of predicting 5 days in advance)
- Monday's barometric pressure predictions will be used as a tiebreaker

Sign that this trend has caught on: Fantasy weather leagues with your works friends
Has this trend caught on yet? No

October 29, 2008

Rock You Like A Hurricane

Hurricanes are already destructive enough. There is no reason for us to make them even MORE destructive by giving already established human names to the storms. The hurricanes are not only causing physical damage, but also damage to those names. (NO JOKE SECTION) Hurricane Katrina was terrible. Nobody will ever name their kid Katrina again. The name has been tainted forever.

Who's idea was it to name the hurricanes with already established human names, anyway? If a hurricane named "Johnny" ever wreaks havoc upon the coastline, I can't help but feel partially responsible. So here is my proposal for the latest trend: Start naming hurricanes for things that are already terrible. This way, no new names are ruined. For example, when Hurricane Syphilis wipes out an island in the Caribbean, no harm has been done to "syphilis." It already is a word that has a bad reputation.

Also, the more menacing name could potentially cause people to be more prepared, and in the end save lives. Which of the following strikes more fear into your heart: Hurricane Ricky or Hurricane Homocide?

So I urge you, trendsetters, write to the National Weather Service and urge them to stop ruining perfectly good names. After all, it could be Hurricane (insert your name here) that comes through next. You don't want everybody to hate you, right?

Sign that this trend has caught on: Hurricane Starvation
Has this trend caught on yet? No

October 1, 2008

Solution: Sign Language

The newest trend should be that of learning sign language. This is so obvious, that I truly cannot believe that it has not been implemented already. I learned how to spell out my name:  J-O-H-N-N-Y   T-R-E-N-D-S-E-T-T-E-R from the back cover of my 1st grade "Weekly Reader". This has had very limited usefulness. The benefits, and the resultant popularity, of REALLY knowing sign language could potentially be life altering.

Imagine yourself, along with a friend, sitting in the library studying Lewis and Clark. A few feet away is a gentlemen engrossed in a book explaining how to effectively rid a garden of aphids. You want to comment to your friend about how you think that Clark's name should come before Lewis', yet don't want to disturb the gardener down the way. Silence is the unspoken (literally) rule of library etiquette. Solution: Sign Language.

Imagine that you're on a plane with that same friend. You have spotted massive pit stains on the guy sitting a row in front of you. Every time he stands up to get something from the overhead bin they are quite evident and grossly entertaining. You want to notify your friend so that you can continue to monitor their growth throughout the trip, but at the same time you don't want the man to overhear you and hurt his feelings/ruin the fun. Solution: sign language.

Learning sign language could also potentially save your life. Suppose you and your spouse are soundly asleep one night. You are suddenly awoken in the middle of the night by the sound of someone rummaging around your living room. BANDITS! You hear the thieves making their way towards your bedroom, meanwhile filling their sack with loot. You are forced to hide across the room from each other, one behind the dresser, the other behind a nightstand. You can still see each other, but the bandits cannot see you. You need a strategy. You are too apart to whisper, but talking will give away your hiding spots. Solution: Sign Language. You can now silently develop an effective plan (one of you acts as a decoy, while the other sneaks up behind the bandits and subdues them). Your lives were saved because you decided to be trendy and learn sign language.

EDITORS NOTE: Even if being popular isn't on your agenda, please consider adopting this latest trend for safety purposes.

Sign that this trend has caught on: Two semesters of sign language are required for high school graduation
Has this trend caught on yet? No

September 22, 2008

High School Reunions

Class reunions have to go. And when I say "go", I am implying that the words "away forever" should follow. The trend of eliminating class reunions is necessary.

First, lets be honest about what class reunions are really about: seeing which of your former classmates have taken a turn for the worse. After seeing their current state of being, you can't help but feel better about yourself, right?

All you really want to know is:
1) Who has gained the most weight?
2) Who has lost the most hair?
3) Who still has the same job they had in high school?

But here is the question - Is taking delight in someone else's demise something to be proud of? Johnny Trendsetter is not just about making you popular, but also about molding you into the person that you want to be. If you're one of those people who would be embarrassed about your current life status, take your non-reunion as an opportunity to get things back on track. If you're one of those people who wants to go just to brag and let everyone know how great you are, take this opportunity to get a more appropriate attitude.

Luckily, it is never too late for class reunion prevention. For those of you still in high school, tradition holds that the senior class president and/or class officers are the ones to organize the reunion years down the road. I want for YOU, high school juniors, to start your campaign TODAY for class president. By winning the election, the opportunity to do everyone a favor and NOT have a class reunion rests in your hands. You can even go so far as to make it part of your platform. I believe it will work out well for you.

SIGN THAT THIS TREND HAS CAUGHT ON: The lack of a sense of dread as the ten year anniversary of your high school graduation approaches.