October 29, 2008

Rock You Like A Hurricane

Hurricanes are already destructive enough. There is no reason for us to make them even MORE destructive by giving already established human names to the storms. The hurricanes are not only causing physical damage, but also damage to those names. (NO JOKE SECTION) Hurricane Katrina was terrible. Nobody will ever name their kid Katrina again. The name has been tainted forever.

Who's idea was it to name the hurricanes with already established human names, anyway? If a hurricane named "Johnny" ever wreaks havoc upon the coastline, I can't help but feel partially responsible. So here is my proposal for the latest trend: Start naming hurricanes for things that are already terrible. This way, no new names are ruined. For example, when Hurricane Syphilis wipes out an island in the Caribbean, no harm has been done to "syphilis." It already is a word that has a bad reputation.

Also, the more menacing name could potentially cause people to be more prepared, and in the end save lives. Which of the following strikes more fear into your heart: Hurricane Ricky or Hurricane Homocide?

So I urge you, trendsetters, write to the National Weather Service and urge them to stop ruining perfectly good names. After all, it could be Hurricane (insert your name here) that comes through next. You don't want everybody to hate you, right?

Sign that this trend has caught on: Hurricane Starvation
Has this trend caught on yet? No

October 1, 2008

Solution: Sign Language

The newest trend should be that of learning sign language. This is so obvious, that I truly cannot believe that it has not been implemented already. I learned how to spell out my name:  J-O-H-N-N-Y   T-R-E-N-D-S-E-T-T-E-R from the back cover of my 1st grade "Weekly Reader". This has had very limited usefulness. The benefits, and the resultant popularity, of REALLY knowing sign language could potentially be life altering.

Imagine yourself, along with a friend, sitting in the library studying Lewis and Clark. A few feet away is a gentlemen engrossed in a book explaining how to effectively rid a garden of aphids. You want to comment to your friend about how you think that Clark's name should come before Lewis', yet don't want to disturb the gardener down the way. Silence is the unspoken (literally) rule of library etiquette. Solution: Sign Language.

Imagine that you're on a plane with that same friend. You have spotted massive pit stains on the guy sitting a row in front of you. Every time he stands up to get something from the overhead bin they are quite evident and grossly entertaining. You want to notify your friend so that you can continue to monitor their growth throughout the trip, but at the same time you don't want the man to overhear you and hurt his feelings/ruin the fun. Solution: sign language.

Learning sign language could also potentially save your life. Suppose you and your spouse are soundly asleep one night. You are suddenly awoken in the middle of the night by the sound of someone rummaging around your living room. BANDITS! You hear the thieves making their way towards your bedroom, meanwhile filling their sack with loot. You are forced to hide across the room from each other, one behind the dresser, the other behind a nightstand. You can still see each other, but the bandits cannot see you. You need a strategy. You are too apart to whisper, but talking will give away your hiding spots. Solution: Sign Language. You can now silently develop an effective plan (one of you acts as a decoy, while the other sneaks up behind the bandits and subdues them). Your lives were saved because you decided to be trendy and learn sign language.

EDITORS NOTE: Even if being popular isn't on your agenda, please consider adopting this latest trend for safety purposes.

Sign that this trend has caught on: Two semesters of sign language are required for high school graduation
Has this trend caught on yet? No