September 22, 2008

High School Reunions

Class reunions have to go. And when I say "go", I am implying that the words "away forever" should follow. The trend of eliminating class reunions is necessary.

First, lets be honest about what class reunions are really about: seeing which of your former classmates have taken a turn for the worse. After seeing their current state of being, you can't help but feel better about yourself, right?

All you really want to know is:
1) Who has gained the most weight?
2) Who has lost the most hair?
3) Who still has the same job they had in high school?

But here is the question - Is taking delight in someone else's demise something to be proud of? Johnny Trendsetter is not just about making you popular, but also about molding you into the person that you want to be. If you're one of those people who would be embarrassed about your current life status, take your non-reunion as an opportunity to get things back on track. If you're one of those people who wants to go just to brag and let everyone know how great you are, take this opportunity to get a more appropriate attitude.

Luckily, it is never too late for class reunion prevention. For those of you still in high school, tradition holds that the senior class president and/or class officers are the ones to organize the reunion years down the road. I want for YOU, high school juniors, to start your campaign TODAY for class president. By winning the election, the opportunity to do everyone a favor and NOT have a class reunion rests in your hands. You can even go so far as to make it part of your platform. I believe it will work out well for you.

SIGN THAT THIS TREND HAS CAUGHT ON: The lack of a sense of dread as the ten year anniversary of your high school graduation approaches.

September 12, 2008

The Dejection Mark

I dare say it has been more than 300 years since new punctuation has been integrated into the English language. We currently have the question mark to convey the interrogatory and an exclamation point to convey excitement, but what about when we want to convey a voice utterly distraught with sadness? Nothing.

Today I propose a new symbol be incorporated into our written (mostly typed) language - the "^" sign, or as it shall now be called: the dejection mark. So if you want to be trendy, all you have to do is hit "SHIFT 6" after typing an especially disheartening sentence. This can also be used in written word (sorry, but there is no cursive version of the dejection mark).

There are several reasons why I nominate this symbol be the one:
1) Clearly we need something that is already on the standard American keyboard
2) It looks like an intense frown
3) What else is it being used for?
Take a look at the following sentence with our current 'Standard English' form of punctuation:
This litter of newborn kittens is dead.
I'm not entirely convinced that the speaker even has a heart, to be typing something so horrific yet with absolutely no trace of emotion. I will now try it with the "frown" punctuation:
This litter of newborn kittens is dead^
Much more appropriate.

SIGN THAT THIS TREND HAS CAUGHT ON: Junior high English teachers count OFF points when a dejection mark is not utilized.

September 7, 2008

Referee Support

Contemptuous referee heckling is getting old. Phrases like "Hey ref, you need glasses!" and "You suck, ref!" are worn out. This is on-the-job heckling and it is lame. Has one of your emails ever elicited a chorus of boos from the accounts receivable department? Has the whole third floor ever given you the bird because they thought you could have done a better job closing a sale? I doubt it (but if so, you probably deserved it).

The newest trend I would like to introduce is CHEERING for sporting officials. Try yelling things like "That's a fair call!", and "Cheaters never win, number thirty two!" I want the trend of sincerely encouraging sporting officials to take root.

By participating in the trend of cheering for the referee:
1) No game ends with your favorite team having suffered a defeat
2) You encourage someone who feels abused
3) You are publicly supporting rule-abiding

People will undoubtably ask why you have chosen to cheer for the men in stripes. Here is your answer - "I don't care who wins, I just want to see everyone play by the rules." Please use sound judgment when determining whether a call deserves a cheer or not. This gives the impression to everyone else that you truly know a lot about sports officiating. But when you DO choose to applaud the refs, make sure that you mean it. These officials are professionals and are trained to recognize fakery.

After a while, you will probably have adopted a favorite referee. Perhaps you like how he cracks down on offsides penalties. Maybe you appreciate how crisply he signals a three pointer. Just like you would for your favorite team, consider traveling to different cities just to watch your favorite ref or tuning in when his game is aired on a local television station.

SIGN THAT THIS TREND HAS CAUGHT ON: Replica referee jerseys offered in all major sporting goods stores.

September 3, 2008

Hot Water

It is time for the debut of the latest trend. This is an easy one and I have good feeling that this one will really take off. Here it is: drinking hot water. Simple. Go to a restaurant and order a steaming mug of hot water. Nothing is as refreshing as a glass of ice water on a hot summer's day. So why the snub of hot water on a cold winter's morn?

But let's take it a step further. I dare you to order regardless of the weather outside. I want for you to order hot water because you LIKE it. You like water, right? There is no escaping the fact 70% of the planet is covered by this beverage, so we might as well take full advantage of it. It is time to revolutionize our water drinking habits.

Here are the benefits of drinking hot water and why this trend should take the world by storm:
1) It is free (don't ever let anyone charge you for your mug of hot water)
2) There is no healthier beverage
3) It is eco-friendly (as long the water comes from the tap rather than a plastic bottle)
4) The heat might kill some bacteria

So I urge you to help get this trend started. Be the first on your block to order a hot water with your next steak dinner. Whenever you have friends over, slip it into the drink options. "Would you like something to drink? We have tea, lemonade, hot water, and Coke." Everyone will admire your brilliance, though they probably won't say this to your face out of jealousy. But you can be sure that the next time they eat with friends, they will most likely order a cup of hot water in order to obtain the same level of admiration that you received when you were first seen consuming hot water. This is how trends begin.

SIGN THIS TREND HAS CAUGHT ON: Hot water is offered on all flights in the United States.